sometimes i realize

that i am the king of selfishness.  and then i feel real bad.  i’ve done some pretty terrible things, just so i can be ahead in life.   and i’m not asking for forgiveness, nor do i think i deserve it, but i just have to get this off my chest, that’s all.

so for all my selfishness, i am laying awake worried about you.   i hope you’re ok, and safe.  and really, i count down the minutes you’re not with me.

also, no drunken phone calls,  that’s just lame.

can i just say

how much i love coffee?   it’s so much.

today i was reminded on how much i also love Cake.  what a good band, right?  you know it.

that’s really all.

things are going good.    sara is good. i am good. my dad is good, my mom is good.

and my car is fine.  i had an oil leak last week and that kinda sucked. but i got it back today.  hurrah.

that’s…all. i guess.

BYE

today.

was long, but there were some highlights.

ravs in broth being one of them. whenever i eat something in broth, i feel as though i’m stuck in the early 1900’s in mother russia. i’m sure you feel the same way.

also, i saw a man with a umbrella hat.

do people realize just how silly they look in these things???

oh well.

sometimes, like now, i really miss morningstar, i miss the community and comradary of it all. at any given time there was someone there to pray with you about things, or to share a word from God. mostly i miss the worship though.

i miss giving myself in full abandonment to God. i miss being in His arms. i mean, sure i can get that here, but it was just so much easier there. there wasn’t a struggle at all. we would just be able to drift into the presense of God, and here, it’s like banging my head against a wall, i don’t feel like i’m making hedgeway.

and i miss Him, i miss His presense, i miss soaking in Him, and just releshing in My god and who He is.

i miss having a knowledge so deep of who He is, and His love for me.

I guess, it is what i make it. i mean, instead of writing all of this, i could be running to him right now.

but i’m not.

i’m just here, complaining about not being with him.

let’s do something about that.

reading.

lately i have been reading quite alot.  i don’t know if it’s because of the absense of people in my life, after all, brandon and joy did get married this weekend, and believe me, i am very joyous over that (although, admittedly, i wasn’t at first,.  in fact, i was quite bitter.  i felt as though i should be the one getting married, or at least, it wasn’t fair that they should be the ones getting married.  i also felt betrayed, because, after  all, being closer to brandon was one of the reasons i came home to being with.  but, staring at them at the alter, all of this seemed to melt away.  i saw for the first time, their love for each other, as if the scales in my eyes had fallen off and crashed unto the ground.  my bitterness and anger towards it was whiped away.), but it still is very different.   things are quite a different animal now.  and of course, sara is gone in hawaii right now,  making a giant hole inside of me this week, or at least, a giant hole where there used to be a billion things going on.

anyways,  i have been reading quite alot lately.  the bible, for one, and blue like jazz, and the last harry potter book.

reading blue like jazz, i feel as if my eyes have been opened for the very first time.  there are so many things i thought i knew about myself, and how i operated,  and these things, i don’t know,  i thought they were just my own strange way of looking at things, i thought i was selfish (and yes indeed i was), but now there is another who understands..

who knows, this is long, and i havn’t gotten to anything good yet.  but i guess the jist is,  i feel as though a renewal is happening inside of me. and this is a good thing.

i know this sounded very depressed, but i’m really not, i’m just contemplative, and deciding things.

i.

opened my mind and looked inside.  the realities stretched into other worlds and dastardly dreams.  the universe stripped away i could look deep into all the stars.  i could bury the hatchet.

so.

why is it that when things start going the way i want, i get lost in the hustle and flow. and i just want to crawl into a hole for a few days?

who knows.

but i wish the rain would stop pouring on my brain.

burning.

i am a  very resonable person.  honestly, i am.  very mild mannered,  never really get too upset about things..that is, unless you happen to be my stepmom.  my stepmom is really the only person that can get me riled up.  to the point whwre i go past screaming. to the point wher emy eyes are blood red. to the point where i really turn into the hulk.  i try my hardest to make her happy, and nothing i do is ever good enough for her.

so why, after 16 odd years am i still trying to make her happy? i don’t really know.

i think,  sometime very soon, i will either punch her, or never talk to her again. 

these really seem to be the only two options.

JK.

…..maybe.

without your love

i am standing on an ocean somewhere, i am looking up at you and seeing your eyes filled with love.

i am retreating to the bottom of this ocean.  your hand is diving into it after me, and i am hiding still, i’ve done it all wrong, i’ve ruined what you’ve given me.

but your hand is there.  and i step into it.

your love is enough, your love triumphs 

everything that has fallen doesn’t matter. we will rebuild, on your love. 

we will raise up our hopes and dreams built upon your love.

carne asada, a steak with a purpose.

there used to be, a man would have a dream, he would get something from God knows where, and he would chase that dream, just like the child chasing a butterfly on a cool spring day.  it used to be that that man would abandon all other things and run to this ehope that came to him on a state of mind he is not wholy responsible for.

unfortunately this is not the case anymore. this day is dead, man no longer chases after what makes his heart flutter.  man’s ambitions are in the desert place, the hot dry place where nothing can grow, nothing can prosper.

but there is a time arising when a generation will grasp ahold of the dreams the visions that come and float in their heads.

there is a time when they will chase after the one who calls them, with reckless abandonment.  everything else is fodder, everything is has really no creedance on their lives.

this generation has seen the face of the Father, and grabbed ahold of him.  they have grabbed ahold of the one that has snatched them up from the desert.  that has gave water to their parched lips.

this generation, will shape all tings to come.

all things to do with justive, to do with the life they need.

of course, this is all hearsy and i have no idea if it will come.

but i have on thing that i’ve been missing, for a long time, i have hope, i have surrender.

the tao of 24.

ok, so this really has nothing to do with the tao, or zen or what have you of 24,

but

after watching this weeks season ending, i’ve come to the realization that the first three seasons, and the last three can be viewed as trilogys.

as in, all the events of the first three are relative, and the 2nd three are relative to each other as well. i mean, sure they all have certain themes throughout them, but really, what i say is true.

and i don’t want to give away any spoilers, and i also don’t have the time to get into it right now, but believe you me, i will.

anyways, long live jack bauer, but really, one or two more seasons and you should be done. heck, this season was the most lackluster of them all.

bah.

whatever

I’M DONE!