can i just say

how much i love coffee?   it’s so much.

today i was reminded on how much i also love Cake.  what a good band, right?  you know it.

that’s really all.

things are going good.    sara is good. i am good. my dad is good, my mom is good.

and my car is fine.  i had an oil leak last week and that kinda sucked. but i got it back today.  hurrah.

that’s…all. i guess.

BYE

today.

was long, but there were some highlights.

ravs in broth being one of them. whenever i eat something in broth, i feel as though i’m stuck in the early 1900’s in mother russia. i’m sure you feel the same way.

also, i saw a man with a umbrella hat.

do people realize just how silly they look in these things???

oh well.

sometimes, like now, i really miss morningstar, i miss the community and comradary of it all. at any given time there was someone there to pray with you about things, or to share a word from God. mostly i miss the worship though.

i miss giving myself in full abandonment to God. i miss being in His arms. i mean, sure i can get that here, but it was just so much easier there. there wasn’t a struggle at all. we would just be able to drift into the presense of God, and here, it’s like banging my head against a wall, i don’t feel like i’m making hedgeway.

and i miss Him, i miss His presense, i miss soaking in Him, and just releshing in My god and who He is.

i miss having a knowledge so deep of who He is, and His love for me.

I guess, it is what i make it. i mean, instead of writing all of this, i could be running to him right now.

but i’m not.

i’m just here, complaining about not being with him.

let’s do something about that.

reading.

lately i have been reading quite alot.  i don’t know if it’s because of the absense of people in my life, after all, brandon and joy did get married this weekend, and believe me, i am very joyous over that (although, admittedly, i wasn’t at first,.  in fact, i was quite bitter.  i felt as though i should be the one getting married, or at least, it wasn’t fair that they should be the ones getting married.  i also felt betrayed, because, after  all, being closer to brandon was one of the reasons i came home to being with.  but, staring at them at the alter, all of this seemed to melt away.  i saw for the first time, their love for each other, as if the scales in my eyes had fallen off and crashed unto the ground.  my bitterness and anger towards it was whiped away.), but it still is very different.   things are quite a different animal now.  and of course, sara is gone in hawaii right now,  making a giant hole inside of me this week, or at least, a giant hole where there used to be a billion things going on.

anyways,  i have been reading quite alot lately.  the bible, for one, and blue like jazz, and the last harry potter book.

reading blue like jazz, i feel as if my eyes have been opened for the very first time.  there are so many things i thought i knew about myself, and how i operated,  and these things, i don’t know,  i thought they were just my own strange way of looking at things, i thought i was selfish (and yes indeed i was), but now there is another who understands..

who knows, this is long, and i havn’t gotten to anything good yet.  but i guess the jist is,  i feel as though a renewal is happening inside of me. and this is a good thing.

i know this sounded very depressed, but i’m really not, i’m just contemplative, and deciding things.