reading.

lately i have been reading quite alot.  i don’t know if it’s because of the absense of people in my life, after all, brandon and joy did get married this weekend, and believe me, i am very joyous over that (although, admittedly, i wasn’t at first,.  in fact, i was quite bitter.  i felt as though i should be the one getting married, or at least, it wasn’t fair that they should be the ones getting married.  i also felt betrayed, because, after  all, being closer to brandon was one of the reasons i came home to being with.  but, staring at them at the alter, all of this seemed to melt away.  i saw for the first time, their love for each other, as if the scales in my eyes had fallen off and crashed unto the ground.  my bitterness and anger towards it was whiped away.), but it still is very different.   things are quite a different animal now.  and of course, sara is gone in hawaii right now,  making a giant hole inside of me this week, or at least, a giant hole where there used to be a billion things going on.

anyways,  i have been reading quite alot lately.  the bible, for one, and blue like jazz, and the last harry potter book.

reading blue like jazz, i feel as if my eyes have been opened for the very first time.  there are so many things i thought i knew about myself, and how i operated,  and these things, i don’t know,  i thought they were just my own strange way of looking at things, i thought i was selfish (and yes indeed i was), but now there is another who understands..

who knows, this is long, and i havn’t gotten to anything good yet.  but i guess the jist is,  i feel as though a renewal is happening inside of me. and this is a good thing.

i know this sounded very depressed, but i’m really not, i’m just contemplative, and deciding things.